


Devil's in the Details

by astrangebird



Series: Growing and Changing [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caduceus is too good for all of us, Caleb Widogast Angst, Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Caleb is trying his best, Emotional Vulnerability, Getting Together, M/M, talking things out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 05:35:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18631870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangebird/pseuds/astrangebird
Summary: “You make it sound so simple.”“Not everything has to be complicated.”Or, the boys talk some things out, it goes better and worse than expected.





	Devil's in the Details

Another successful mission for the Bright Queen under their belts and a fair number of scrapes and bruises dotting their bone tired bodies, The Mighty Nein return to the Dim’s Inn, weary and ready for rest. They’ve managed to find suitable housing for their beasts during their time here, the locals of Rosohna finally accepting that this strange group of creatures is here to stay and seem to be willing to pay, so why turn down the gold? 

While Caleb pretends to be a harsh and authoritarian leader to his slobbering beast he often leaves the stable last so he can spoil Jannik with praise and pets.

“Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good terrifying beast? You are! Yes you are! Du hast es heute so gut gemacht! Ich bin sear stolz auf dich.” Caleb says to Jannik in a sing song voice like one would speak to a child. Jannik stretches and leans into his hands, snuffling and drooling happily as Caleb scrubs into his sleek fur far harder than he could ever imagine petting Frumpkin. He scratches and coos over his beast for a few more moments before deciding to return to the inn.

“Bleibe. Sei ein guter Junge. Papa liebt dich.” Jannik, while not a very intelligent creature, at least seems to recognize commands and flops himself down onto the soft hay of the stables. Caleb hopes he recognizes praise as well.

Caleb startles when he see’s Caduceus standing just outside the doorway. His face quickly colors a bright pink realizing that he had heard him speaking is such a way to his moorbounder, embarrassed even though half of what he had said wasn’t even in Common. 

“Oh! Ah hallo Caduceus! I thought you went back to the inn with the rest of the group.” 

“I figured I’d wait for you so you didn’t have to walk back alone. We’re still doing the buddy system after all.” That same lazy smile pulled across his face as it does with everything he says, and Caleb couldn’t help but smile in return, it was clumsy and unpracticed but genuine. 

“Danke, Mister Clay. Shall we go then?”

Caduceus gestured for Caleb to lead and they headed back towards the inn. 

Caleb felt the hot flash of embarrassment from being caught baby talking to his mount fade into a pleasant warmth in his chest. There was something surreal about the calming energy that Caduceus brought with him everywhere he went. It helped mitigate the tangle of anxiety that came with being under his eerily all knowing gaze. It was a bit uncanny how much he could guess about a person within just minutes of meeting them, he’s afraid of all Caduceus must know about him. 

“You’re very kind when you talk to Jannik, I’m glad you’ve made a new friend.” Caduceus comments, pulling Caleb out of his thoughts. 

“I like cats and Jannik is basically a very large cat.” 

“That’s true. It’s nice to see you allowing yourself to enjoy things, Mister Caleb.”

It’s like a splash of cold water in his face hearing something that felt so private be said so casually. 

“I uh I do not know what you mean.” Caleb tries to avoid his eyes while not looking like he’s avoiding him, a rather difficult balance to maintain. 

“Well… hmm I hadn’t meant to have this conversation, I was planning on talking about something else but we can come back to that,” Caduceus almost seems to be speaking to himself before looking back down at Caleb, “While we were in the Empire, you seemed to always hold the things you cared about at an arms length, like you weren’t allowing yourself to enjoy them as much as you would like to. It feels like you were punishing yourself, but I have no idea why.” 

Caleb’s throat is suddenly very dry, that pleasant warmth has faded and the anxiety is in full swing. He’s so close, so close but doesn’t have enough of the details. Can’t see the full picture.

“It’s just really nice to see that you’ve decided to let a little joy back into your life.” Caduceus places one of his big warm hands on his back, it encompasses the full width of his shoulder blades.

He thinks that he could retreat, literally or metaphorically. Burn one of his last spells for the evening and be out of his reach in an instance, or hide behind lies that he knows Caduceus will see through and say that he was reading too far into things. But there is still a bit of the pleasant bubbling in his gut being brought about by Caduceus rubbing soothing circles across his back. Maybe he doesn’t have to run, maybe he can stay, not tell the whole truth but part of it. That’s a start, that’s still going in the right direction.

“I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of, Mister Clay. I still feel undeserving of the small things, everything feels like an indulgence. I am trying to do better. It feels like I have a chance to do that here.” He gestures vaguely to the dark city around them and looks up to see Caduceus watching him carefully. There is no malice in his gaze, just curiosity and something else, something softer. 

“I think you’re right, Caleb, I think you can do a lot of good here. But I also think you can be good to yourself,” Caduceus shifts his hand from his back to his shoulder, squeezing gently. At some point they had stopped walking. The hand on his shoulder was grounding, kept him in the moment, but probably wouldn’t keep him in place if he felt he had to run. That had always been Caduceus’ way of dealing with Caleb and his bullshit, he gave him a safe space to feel out the gnarled web of his thoughts but he could stop whenever he wanted. Caleb wanted so badly to just let himself have this, to let Caduceus offer him this gift, to enjoy the feeling of warmth that rolled off the man like waves on the shore. But it feels so selfish to want anything from such a caring person, especially when it’s tangled up with other complicated feelings for him.

“Why are you so kind to me, Caduceus?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Caleb sputters, as if it wasn’t obvious. “I do not deserve your kindness.”

“I have to disagree with you on that, I don’t think you have done anything to warrant me being cruel to you. You’ve done a lot of good during my time with the Nein, and you’ve been nothing but kind to me personally.” 

If only he knew how much more baggage there was to unpack, but he can’t, not yet. “You make it sound so simple.”

“Not everything has to be complicated.”

And there it was, the fundamental difference between the two of them. Caleb was constantly looking for more information, more details, more nuance, digging to find all the complexities of a thing. He looked for reasons to keep himself away and Caduceus only saw reasons for him to stay. To Caduceus details were just extras, unnecessary, the important information was the kind that was ready to be found. Caleb’s eyes were sharp, looking for order and patterns, looking for black and white morality in a world he knows to be grey, looking to judge and categorize things that could never fit cleanly into a box. Caduceus simply saw, allowed the world to reveal itself to him and not immediately make any moral calls on it. Things just _were_ for Caduceus, and boxes were other peoples problems. 

Caleb felt himself spiraling, guilt rising, thoughts swimming in his head, when Caduceus’ gentle hand cups the side of his face. Caduceus carefully tips his head up to look him in eye and a familiar warmth rushes through him.

“Hey, don’t go running away on me now.” His voice is surprisingly quiet, pleading. 

“I don’t want to.” Caleb feels it’s the most true thing he’s said all night. “I won’t.”

A broad smile spreads over Caduceus face, his eyes crinkle and he looks otherworldly in the green lantern lights of the city, his pale hair alight and beetle armor shimmering. There’s a shocking moment of realization that he would probably do anything to make Caduceus smile at him like that again. 

“I’m glad to hear it.” Caduceus’ smile holds firm as he takes another moment to look Caleb over, studying his features in that unhurried way of his. He swipes his thumb over his cheek and that same tingle runs across his nerves as before. 

Caduceus finally looks away, down toward his own shoes, and pulls his hand away from Caleb’s face while taking a step back from their rather crowded positions. There’s a reckless rush of desire that pulses through Caleb. He wants that hand back, to hold him and keep him in his skin, to keep Caduceus close even if it is selfish. As Caduceus is turning away from him and toward the inn Caleb reaches out and grabs his hand with both of his. 

Caduceus stops, turning back to face Caleb again, confusion clear on his face.

“Can we stay outside a little longer? I… I do not want to be around others quite yet.” He keeps his eyes down at the hand in his, he feels embarrassed by how forward this feels, how selfishly he’s acting. 

“Sure, we can stay out here a while,” Caduceus turns his hand into Caleb’s, threading their fingers together, “Why don’t we go sit down?” 

He’s lead to a bench, apparently there was a park nearby that he had paid no mind to earlier. Caduceus keeps his hand in his, sitting thigh to thigh with Caleb on the tiny bench. They don’t talk for a while and Caleb is grateful for the reprieve. He pulls their joined hands into his lap, untwining their fingers to examine Caduceus large grey hand in his. Caduceus’ hands are strange, they’re shaped like a mans but furred on the top like a beast. The fine fuzz thins out toward his fingers and his palms are completely bare. He could spend hours pouring over them, feeling the texture of his skin and fur. 

Belatedly, he realizes that this must be very strange for Caduceus, to be examined like this. Regretfully he puts Caduceus’ hand back on his own lap and pulls his hands away.

“Sorry, that was rude of me.”

“I don’t mind,” He reaches over and places his hand back into Caleb’s, “I like holding your hand.” 

There’s a shocked incredulity that comes over Caleb as he turns to look up at Caduceus. As always it looks like he’s being honest. His pink eyes shine in the lamp light, almost reflective like a deers. Caduceus glances away and dips his head to look over toward the path they came from, his hand clenching around Caleb’s. 

“I suppose that’s part of what I wanted to talk about earlier, actually.” 

Caleb’s incredulity turns into straight disbelief at the direction that this conversation is heading. 

“I’m still working out what to do about things like this, but I’m pretty sure you would appreciate my straightforwardness,” Caduceus gives his hand a tentative squeeze and looks back down at Caleb with such a soft and tender expression that it nearly steals his breath away, “I’m fairly certain that I have some romantic feelings for you, and I was wondering if you would be interested in exploring that with me?”

Like a child caught doing something naughty Caleb freezes in place, he can tell his grip must feel uncomfortable by the strain he feels in his knuckles, his jaw aches with how tightly he’s clenching it. 

“Unless… you aren’t in a good place to talk about that kind of thing yet, I would understand.” Concern fills Caduceus face, his ears droop and brows pull together in worry. 

“I ahhh…” Caleb gapes like a fish, unable to form a full thought that doesn’t involve screaming or self deprecation of some sort. Caduceus continues to watch him, his concern coloring a bit sad with an expected rejection. 

What could he have done to have earned this kind mans affections? Certainly not enough. Not enough for him to look so distressed over him. How could he do this? How could he let himself be responsible for that sad look on such a beautiful and happy face? 

_Say something you fool!_

“Caduceus,” His voice sounds dry and foreign to his own ears, “Every fiber of my being is screaming at me that I am not worthy of you or your affections.”

“Well now-“ Caduceus starts before Caleb lifts his hand to his face, putting a finger to Caduceus’ cleft lips.

Deep breath.

“But…”

_Deep breath._

“That is also something I am trying to get better at.” 

Caleb takes his hand back and there’s a slow look of realization rolling over Caduceus’ face, starting at his mouth which pulls into a loopy smile before his ears perk back up and twitch happily when the smile finally reaches his eyes, crinkling at the edges. What a privilege, to see that beautiful smile twice in one day. 

“Well, in that case, I’m more than happy to help.” With their hands still clasped together Caduceus wraps his other hand around Caleb’s, fulling engulfing it.

“I would like that.” Caleb says quietly, ducking his head, too overwhelmed to look Caduceus in the eyes anymore. He’s burning hot and the bubbling in his gut is violent, but somehow not unpleasant. He doesn’t know what to do now that he’s very nearly had a full conversation about his emotions. He thanks the gods that Caduceus is insightful enough to pull the meaning out of his words without him having to elaborate further, he isn’t sure he would have been able to say what he feels quite so openly like Caduceus. 

Carefully, as if he would be rejected now of all times, he places his free hand on top of the pile of his and Caduceus’. He allows himself a moment to feel the soft fuzz of Caduceus’ knuckles, following it up toward his wrist where it gets thicker before disappearing under the silk sleeve of his shirt. The sensation is comforting almost like running his hands over Frumpkin’s back, and Caleb feels a bit of tension leak out of him. As close as they are on this far too small bench it doesn’t take much to lean his head over onto Caduceus’ shoulder, thankfully he had sat to his left side and pressed his cheek into the soft embroidered fabric of his tunic instead of cold hard beetle armor. 

Caduceus presses his cheek into the top of his head and the edges of his beard prickle his scalp where he adjusts his position, almost like he was nuzzling him. But then he takes a deep breath and lets it out as a satisfied sigh and the nuzzling continues in earnest. “This is nice,” Caduceus says into Caleb’s hair.

“Ja,” Caleb’s voice is nearly a whisper but it’s a good enough response for Caduceus. He tries not to dwell on how dirty his hair has gotten, or how weird he must smell after their mission, or the things that keep him up at night that Caduceus can’t see. It’s Caduceus’ choice to rub his face all over his gross hair, or hold his awful and scarred hands, or pretend that he can’t see the nightmare crawling under his skin. 

“You’re thinking very loudly, Mister Caleb.” 

“You are correct, Mister Clay.”

“We gotta work on your volume control,” He chuckles at his own comment, shaking Caleb gently with the motion and pulling a small huff of laughter out of him as well. Caduceus leans away a bit, just far enough to look down at him and study his face.

“So, do you think you’re ready to join the others? They’re probably going to start wondering where we are soon. I’m actually surprised that Miss Nott hasn’t come looking for you yet.” Caduceus takes a moment to peer in the direction of the inn, almost as if he was expecting to see Nott running through the streets as he spoke.

“She knows that you are with me, probably thinks I will be fine if I stick close to you.”

“Well yeah, as long as I’m ok you should be fine.”

“Probably also hoping that we have this exact conversation.” 

He looks back down at Caleb, whose face is red and lips pressed tight. Caduceus gives him a fond smile and chuckles, the deep baritone of his voice resonating in his bones.

“Nice to know that Nott wasn’t lying to me when I asked about you.” 

“Were you two gossiping about me?” Caleb feels his face grow warmer still at the thought.

“No not gossiping, I just asked her if she thought you would respond well to my interest.” 

His embarrassment gets the better of him and he takes back one of his hands to hide his face in it, groaning loudly. “What did she say?”

“Well she tried her best to beat around the bush but I gathered that you’d be alright with it.” 

“Is it just a talent of mothers to embarrass their charges?” Caleb drags his hand down his face to look at Caduceus who is pretending that he can’t see him smiling.

“Ha! I think Nott is just particularly skilled in that area,” Caduceus bumps his shoulder into Caleb’s, “And you’re also easy to embarrass.” 

“Hmm, fair point,” Caleb bumps him back. “But to answer your question, yes, I think I am ready to go back now.”

With that Caduceus stands up from the bench, keeping Caleb’s hand in his, waiting for him to follow. He smiles down at their joined hands, wondering how the night could have turned out this way and heaves himself up to stand at Caduceus’ side. This certainly didn’t feel like the grand and sweeping romances he had found in books, no gasping breaths or fierce embraces, not magical in a way that no arcane text could describe. But this was enough, a hand to hold and the knowledge that someone understands you a bit more deeply than before. Caduceus smiles down at him, ever bright and warm against the crisp air of the ever dark city. There must be some kind of charm at work behind those kind pink eyes because every time Caduceus smiles at him he can’t help but return one in kind, clumsily, unpracticed, but genuine.


End file.
